Don’t hug him: Some suggestions for Justin Trudeau on how to meet Donald Trump

Tristin Hopper,  02.10.2017, http://www.ottawacitizen.com/n.../12887551/story.html

On Monday, U.S. President Donald “America First” Trump meets with his Canadian counterpart for the first time. Given Trump’s track record of getting strangely intemperate with former British Empire Dominions, there’s all manner of ways it could go wrong. 

However, here’s a quick guide on how Justin Trudeau might be able to face Trump without it getting all awkward or sparking a trade war. 

Be sure to mention…

The virtues of abandoning campaign pledges

Trudeau meets Trump just after abandoning his campaign promise to overhaul Canada’s voting system. And if history is any guide, near-total abandonment of campaign pledges has never really been a barrier to Liberals getting re-elected. Thus, Trudeau is in a unique position to hint to Trump that he may not necessarily need to deliver on absolutely every little thing he spouted off on the campaign trail. 

There’s no getting around this: Canada hasn’t met its NATO commitments for years, and we are categorically dependent on the Americans to defend our borders. But on the plus side, Defense Secretary James Mattis seems to love Canadian troops, we just bought a bunch of new equipment and our special forces are second to none. With luck, maybe Trump won’t nag us for having a navy held together with duct tape.

Donald J. Trump’s peerless, unmatched leadership of the United States of America

Sucking up to the Americans has served Canada well, so why stop now? Especially when the White House suddenly has one of the most praise-hungry occupants in its history? History will not know what Trudeau says to Trump behind closed doors: There are likely no transcripts kept of these meetings, and it’s extremely unlikely that any of Trump’s aides will even remember Trudeau’s name when they write their memoirs.

Oil. Remember to mention the oil.

Despite all the “America First” talk, the U.S. still imports oceans of its oil from Saudi Arabia, Mexico, Venezuela and Nigeria. After thanking Trump for approving Keystone XL, it doesn’t hurt to mention that our oil is top quality, reliably delivered and we won’t pull any Saudi-like predatory pricing schemes.

Trump’s Canadian holdings

The word from Trump watchers is that the president seems to be unusually favourable to countries where he has real estate holdings. So, maybe remind him that Canada is the only non-U.S. country aside from India where Trump’s name adorns more than one building (Vancouver and Toronto both have a Trump International Tower and Hotel).

But don’t mention…

The word “NAFTA”

Trade is obviously going to be a big focus of this first meeting. And Canada has some leverage: We’re still the Americans’ biggest customer, and there’s no shortage of voices in U.S. industry warning that toying with the Canadian trade relationship could cost U.S. jobs. But Trump has still spent months calling NAFTA the “worst deal ever.” Much like with the word “Obamacare” (parts of which Trump has pledged to keep under a different moniker), Trump might be more likely to be swayed if Trudeau can simply avoid saying the word “NAFTA” too much.  

Human rights, inclusiveness, morality, etc.

Remember all those times Canada tried to ask China to stop oppressing its citizens? Or when we kept telling U.S. presidents that their Vietnam War was a bad idea? Not only did it not work, but it ultimately just annoyed both parties. While there are millions of Canadians who probably want to see Trudeau lecture Trump about non-reactionary immigration policies or some such, there is an approximately zero per cent chance that it will result in the U.S. president changing his mind.

Immigration

The less said about this, the better. To be honest, Trump’s various immigration restrictions might be good for Canada. Silicon Valley is particularly opposed — and best case scenario is that a few tech giants simply start shifting operations to Toronto or Vancouver. Meanwhile, there’s the uncomfortable fact that, when it comes to catching suspected terrorists, the Canadian border is perceived to be much more of a trouble spot than the Mexican border Trump seems to hates so much.

The War of 1812

This is a classic icebreaker between U.S. and Canadian leaders. The pair can argue over who won, or the Canadian can jokingly gesture to the White House and say “gee, it looks much better since we burned it down.” It’s not a guarantee Trump will get the joke, and it might devolve into an awkward explanation of impressmen, Napoleonic-era trade restrictions and Isaac Brock and such. Instead, maybe mention hockey?

Do not hug Donald Trump.

Quality oil at a reasonable price, guaranteed™

Remind him about all the good times he had in Toronto.

He better keep his wife far from Trump. You don't want the President to accidentally cop a feel

The nimble hands of Donald Trump.